SHAME

So I stayed up all night to do work and wanted to snack around 4AM, but resisted.   (GOOD.)   I sipped on my Raspberry tea all night and that was it.    However, this morning, I wasn't hungry, but had to take food with my medicine AND I happened to be driving by a McDonald's (Everyone can sigh or gasp here!) and I decided to drive-thru and order my old favorite:  QuarterPounder meal deal.    I was telling myself the entire time that it was stupid to sabatoge myself on the very day that I told so many of my friends about my weight loss attempt.    I mean, REALLY!!!   Still, a little voice in my head said I should be able to indulge.   It's not like I'm going to have access to fast food by this time next week.   So....I did it.  I ordered the meal deal and decided to be slightly healthy and get a Powerade to drink.  Then in the next millisecond, I decided to have a "snack size" Oreo McFlurry.   Ha!  Was I crazy?     I have to laugh at myself;  the inner war and the justifications that come so easily.    For years I've just not thought about my patterns.   Now I have to laugh!   So, I ate ALL of those greasy fries on the drive home.  (They weren't even great, but that familiar taste and the salt....yum.    Gross.   Just writing this I'm conjuring up a picture of an uber fat gal enjoying her food just a bit too much!)   I ate the burger, the ice cream (my weakness) and had the Powerade. 

     Then I did nothing except catnap, play on the computer, and try to make arrangements to fly to another state tomorrow and visit more friends!   Dinner was a few chicken tenders and a few bites of potatoes.    I'm stuffed.    (Must still be from the lunch!  Ha!)    This doesn't mean that if my friend that comes to pick me up this evening wants to go out to eat together I won't eat again.   I'm sure I'll conjure up some reason like not wanting her to feel awkward or that I won't get to go out to eat for another 6 months or some other fitting-for-that-moment reason to justify whatever I feel like doing then.    (Are you gathering that it's a self-control issue?   I need to curtail my spending also.    DISCIPLINE is what I need!)

     Well, now that I've sufficiently exposed myself and my weaknesses enough for one day, I hope you can feel free to join this journey alongside me.   Feel free to comment, to laugh, to cry, to shout, to roll your eyes, etc, etc, but hold on because this rollercoaster is just getting going!!!     Hee!  Hee!    I can't stop now.....and THAT is GOOD!